Here's a picture of Lauren and Claire having fun at Grandma's in Arizona. They are beautiful on the outside (granted, I'm biased), but my goal, as their mother, is to enhance the beauty on the inside and attempt to keep it from being contaminated by the "world."
I had a dream last night. It involved Claire being trapped in a glass office-type building. Something bad was trying to get her (this might have something to do with a recent viewing of Poltergeist). I was trying to rescue her but was unsuccessful. I woke myself up so as to stop the dream.
Today, I took Lauren to the doctor's office for her yearly check-up. For a portion of the appointment, the doctor asked me to leave so she could examine Lauren. I knew Lauren wouldn't really have wanted me in, so I stepped out. While I was out of the room, the young doctor (And I mean young) proceeded to ask Lauren questions about her sexual activity, what she knew about sex, HIV, and alcohol and drugs. I could hear what was being said from where I was and I intently listened to Lauren's answers. Lauren did a great job explaining to the doctor her standards and decisions she has made regarding these issues. I was very proud of her.
BUT...(and this is where I switch into my "I am woman, hear me ROAR" persona) why did this doctor feel she had the right, without parental permission, to ask my daughter these questions? I am so upset about this. There was a natural assumption that it was her duty as a doctor to probe into my daughter's morality AND that her duty to do this TRUMPED my parental rights? I have run into this attitude with teachers and administrators in the public schools (which would require an entirely different entry and include the words Planned Parenthood and condom demonstration), but was surprised that a privately run doctor's office would also employ these tactics. It is discouraging.
I understand why they feel the need. I know many parents these days are disengaged. I know many parents engage in risky behavior themselves. I shudder to think of the number of 15-year-olds at her high school that are sexually active. But, at the very least, shouldn't a doctor attempt to have a conversation with the parent to discern the necessity for such personally intrusive information? Can't there be more respect and credence given for our Christian lifestyle?
And so, can anyone tell me where there is a rock that I can take my family and crawl under? Because, right now, I want to preserve what purity and beauty that is there. Just like my dream last night, I'm trying to rescue them from the glass office building with the "poltergeists" that are chasing them around. Except, I want a better ending than my nightmare had. In fact, I EXPECT a better ending. And, I guess if I push aside my frustrations and turn to my Heavenly Father, I know I am not the only one determined to help my beautiful daughters turn into the incredible women they are meant to be.
19 comments:
Wow. This was a really good post. Your writing is excellent.
I think you are right on track being righteously indignant about your parental rights. Did you say anything to the doctor? Maybe it has never occurred to her that people wouldn't appreciate her candor?
I took Max for a check up last month. It is the same pediatrician he's always had. He said NOTHING. I listened from the outside just like you did. I was actually surprised that nothing was said, but I guess after hearing your story I should be grateful.
I wish I could reference this post in my blog so more people could read it and weigh in.
I'm hoping that your blog settings are off public search engines so that creepy people won't find this post using words like condom and stuff.
I hope we can all keep our daughters in the glass house together. Or under the big rock.
Yes, let's find a giant rock we can all hide under from everything. I prefer beach settings so if you could find one near there then we will join you. I am shocked amazed and horrified that the docotor didn't discuss this with you at all....Where are the parents rights???? Why didn't prop 4 get more attention? I am in mourning over that one, girls going to get a------- with out their parents knowing???????????????
I came over from Celia's to read and weigh in. I remember distinctly when that happened with my 13, 14, and 15 year old daughters. They all had their necessary check-ups just prior to coming to camp. It was the exact same thing, our forever doctor, I was asked to step out. In addition, the girls were asked right out if they needed birth control. I was SO upset that my voice was not even considered in the matter. It was on the way home that they all started comparing notes and I heard all the details.
My world crumbled a little bit that day. In talking around with friends it became apparent that "all the doctors to this now" and the general feeling was that I should 'get over it.' I did eventually, but it still didn't feel right. It was not they way I thought things should go. Your post brings it all back.
The girls are 25,26,and 27 now. In asking them how they felt at the time, they all said it did not bother them. They knew that most of their friends were sexually active and said they thought the Doctor was acting responsibly to help prevent further problems. Heavy sigh for moms at this point. Much love for the dreamy wishes of Moms everywhere.
Carol, nice to meet you!! This is Sister G, Lauren's seminary teacher. She is a spectacularly beautiful girl, inside and out. It is such a privilege to spend my mornings with this wonderful group of kids.
The State of California does not care about your parental rights. In fact, you have very few. Once a child is 14, yes 14, the law feels that a child can make decisions for themselves. I work at Liberty, I see everyday children who make poor choices in their lives. I have had 15 year girls come to me (because they trust me) and tell me that they are sick and having a hard time because they have had an abortion and they can't tell their Mom. They need a Mom, but are afraid of how their parents will react if they knew. The bizarre thing is that I could lose my job if I were to give them an aspirin, but I can't tell their parents that they need them because they had an abortion or an alcohol problem, etc.
Doctors know that children are going to indulge in sexual activity. To his credit, he probably asked Lauren about these things to help protect her, because if anything ever happened, the law says he can't tell you without her permission. His thought process was probably to let her know she could trust him. He didn't know how special and well-grounded she is. Bravo to Lauren for being so forthright and brave telling him her beliefs and her intentions. But not every child has a belief system or a set of morals or parents such as you who teach them to respect themselves. So, those of us who find ourselves in a position where we can gain trust and establish a "parent-like" relationship with them are actually a good thing.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I often wish I could just shrink wrap my children and protect them from the world. That's actually one reason I don't mind having a disabled child, she doesn't have to "live and survive" in this wicked world.
We shouldn't crawl under rocks, we should stand on high ones proudly, setting an example for the world to see. We need to raise the children that others look to as moral compasses, (and believe it or not, nice kids who have standards ARE admired!!) My compliments to you, Lauren is one terrific young lady!
I'm here from Celia, too. When my daughter had her 14 yr check up, the doctor talked to us about the vaccine for uterine cancer or whatever. My sweet daughter spoke up and said she's not sexually active and doesn't plan to be until she is married. And the dr said..... well, we'll see about that! We were both so shocked I didn't know what to say. I mumbled something about something and said we'll pass. I didn't know what to say until later. Come to think of it, I should've sent her a letter.
The nerve, and now the bill has passed that teens don't need parental permission for just about anything. What do they need us for then??
When asked to step out, you could just say no. I'd love to hear what happened then ;-)
Carol, I have had similar feelings lately. Macey had a nightmare the other night about a guy yelling "No on prop 8" to her and trying to get her. I just want to protect my kids from the world. I kept Lexi home from school today because she needed a day off and it just felt so good to have her with me- I wish it could always be that way.
My opinion on the dr: I would be mad too. I hate that they think they can over step the parents and that all children are sexually active and lying about it. I'm proud of Lauren for speaking up about who she is. I hope my girls will be like Lauren someday.
Hi from Celia's. I'm her rebellious and opinionated sister Nor. I don't have a teen yet, so I may eat my words, but I think the doctor did the right thing. This relates to the Prop 4 issue, whether or not minors should have to wait for their parents to be notified before having an abortion. Consider the doctor's POV. He/she sees your kid as an individual patient, minor or not. Sure there may be morals and standards you and your family believe, but Christian kids get knocked up all the time because everybody assumes some one else is handling the issue in a way in which the kid understands (morally, scientificly, practically). What if you said "no thank you" upon the offer of the sex talk? Would the doctor feel like he/she was adequately serving the patient? Consider it from a legal stand point as well. In court, children as young as four can indicate which parent they want to live with. Children/teens are choice making individuals and deserve a medical perspective of sex, parents permitting or not.
I would be glad if the doctor told me that the conversation took place afterward.
Thanks for bringing this up so I can look forward to it when my kids are in puberty.
I'm from Celia too. I don't have teenagers yet, and no daughters so I might feel differently about this one day, but I think both the Doctor and you have legitimate points of view.
There are lots of girls out there that have not been taught as your daughter obviously has been. They don't have trusted relationships with any adults and certainly not their parents. The doctor has known your child for some time and wants what is best for her. Legally he/she is within his/her rights to do exactly what he/she did and morally I think he/she is obligated too, because he/she has no way of knowing how honest children are with their parents or if they are desperate for someone to talk to about anything.
As a mama bear though I would have appreciated some warning before or after, but again, that might not be typical and the doctor has gotten used to treating those 14 and above as consenting individuals, however ridiculous that is.
Unfortunately the available rocks out there just aren't sufficient. But, you are clearly succeeding in the face of enormous pressure. Your daughter is lucky to have such a great mom.
Celia sent me.
What a great mom you are. What a great daughter you have! What you do in your home is always more powerful than what the world can throw at your family.
I don't have a problem with the doctor asking those questions. In our oversexualized world, our kids need information at a much younger age than we did. It's best to get that from parents, but if parents haven't already addressed those things, the girl will need information.
If I were a Doctor I would do the same, maybe give the parents a heads-up. I also think it is a great springboard for a sincere conversation between you and Lauren.
I'll bet that doctor wishes that every patient was as innocent, sweet, and level headed as Lauren.
Yes, I think I would be very upset that the doctor didn't discuss with me first what was going to be said. Parents do have rights and she is your child (a minor). I think it is just getting out of hand. I think we are going to need more than a rock to hide under.
Hold on to your hat b/c I agree with Nor. Now if your child didn't know about sex this would be shocking, but I think doctors are smart to ask these questions. They don't know which parents are great like you and have already discussed with their daughters, and even though you've taught her correctly she could make her own choices and perhaps this talk with the doctor could have helped her?? (yes, doc I do need birth control/a VD test/questions answered). I think the more adults kids have to trust/talk to them about this stuff, the better. And it's just as important that they be taught correct standards, which you are doing.
What bugs me the most is the double standard that the doc didn't ask Max the same stuff!
and now I"m adding you to my reader b/c I didn't know you blogged!!!
It may be that conversations involving sex, drugs and alcohol happen in your teen's life happen all the time - an hour or two of tv would include all of the above. What's different here is that you overheard the exchange. Your teen may not have questions now or even very soon but isn't it good that she knows her doctor is concerned and there for her if she needs her.
I work with many doctors and they don't take these conversations lightly. They also encourage teens to take their questions to their parents as well. Teens may forget that their patents have been through these ages and can help them better than anyone but their doctors should not.
I'm from Celia's. For some reason (no idea why) I never saw my pediatrician when I was a teen, so didn't encounter that (I'm 23 now). But, when I got engaged at 19, Dad told me to make an appointment for a full physical before I lost his insurance. So Kaiser sent me to an OB/GYN. Mom came with me. He started asking me about that stuff and then asked if my answers would be different if my mom weren't there-then started to ask my mom to leave. No way was I going to let her leave! This guy was a jerk! He flat out told me that I was probably lying about being a virgin, and that my fiance was definitely lying to me about being a virgin. And that no one (especially men) shouldn't get married till their 30's. I'm so glad he didn't ask to do the standard woman-exams. Come to think of it, he didn't do anything useful! Didn't even ask if I wanted birth control!
Karen B here. Wow, that was a wonderful post. I am on the cusp on teenage-hood with my daughter. This kind of stuff disturbs me, but I can understand why the pediatrician felt the need to speak. I am with Jenni, we need to stand high on the rock and be the example. Looks like your daughter did just that. Bravo to you and your husband for teaching her, and to your daughter for having the courage to speak her values so eloquently. It is just so sad for the kids who cannot or will not speak to their parents of the choices they are making.
You have every right to be in the room. This happened when I took my daughter to the doctor and when he asked me to leave, my daughter said she would prefer that I stay. Great job on your daughter answering the questions and knowing that her parents are bringing her up properly.
I completely understand how you feel about the rock too ;)
"standard of care"
it's a monster but WE in our litigious sometimes amoral country have created the monster called healthcare we all share
That being said, it seems every time I go to a hospital or doctor's office I leave saying to myself I'll do it differently next time. One thing I know even with having two sisters who are nurses and a husband who is a doctor, NEVER leave any child alone with hospital persons if/when possible.
They do have a right to do a lot more than question your child but they do things outside their rights as well. Do be aware of your rights and exercise them...that's the best I can offer.
Thanks ladies for all your encouragement and information. I found it very interesting and this has really opened my eyes as to how I need to prepare my children for what they will run into (and myself). Most of all, the next time we need a physical for school sports, I will be sure and go to the chiropractor who offers high school sports physicals for $30.00!
Another person from Celia's posse...Thanks for opening my eyes to this Carol. You are a great example of how important it is for me to continue preparing my girls (and boy) now, when they are still on the younger side, so if (apparently when) faced with questions, they can answer like your awesome daughter did.
I'm hoping there was a nurse present during the examination (I don't care if it was a female or male doctor) and what is so wrong about the doctor asking permission first from the parent (and child)? i.e. "I'd like to talk to you about some personal issues. Would it be okay with you if your mom stayed in the room or would you prefer it private? Mom, is that okay with you?" It just opens a dialogue.
I'm sorry to say I don't have a lot of confidence in the goodwill of doctors these days anyways. We've had a pediatrician for years who is adequate but I don't think he could name any one of my kids without the chart in front of him. How much do doctors really care about the kids and how much are they pushing their own personal social agenda? (No disrespect for the caring doctors out there, by the way).
I guess I shouldn't say that about our pediatrician. He did share with me that because of his position, he was going to be able to give his son Gardisil, the humanpapilloma virus vaccine, so that his son "wouldn't be able to give the virus to his partners." How noble of him. Thanks for sharing doc.
As for you Carol, thanks for sharing it does matter what is taught in the HOME.
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